Sunday, October 19, 2014

"What If's" at 2 AM...

You know that feeling you get when you dive into water. The initial blackness and uncertainty gets you confused and it takes you a few seconds to reappear on the surface of the water and see things clearly again? Yeah, that feeling.  I get that feeling when I think about my wedding.

I am getting married in 2 months and 15 days. In the eyes of many, that's 2 months and 15 days to live life to it's fullest, rock and roll, party and all that jazz and to the eyes of the many others, that's 2 months and 15 days till my life becomes perfect with the man of everyone's dreams. I'm not even close to either sides - for me, that's 2 months and 15 days for my mind to wrap itself around the actual context of what's going down - the dinner parties, the dresses, the smiles, the fights, the flowers, the yes's, the no's and all that in between. I'm talking about all the nitty gritty in-between-sofa-like stuff that people barely think about - how am I going to excuse myself to use the bathroom? What if he likes Tom and Jerry (a Pakistani cult favorite)? What if? What if? What if???? I wish I could flick all those "what if's" out the bloody window and take a breather and actually think to myself - What if he's okay? What if it turns out alright?...

...but my mind never let's me think happy, unicorn and rainbow-like thoughts. Oh no, it'll dwell upon all the shit it can possibly gather in a second (or less) and then the thought cycle begins and no, it doesn't just stop. People have romanticised the stress and actual real life worries of a "bride-to-be" (in my situation) to be absolute desolate. "Who care's about all the fighting?" say's one; "he'll bring you flowers" say's another. "Think about how beautiful married life will be" is an infamous line - oh and I have thought about it, long and hard and all that I can come up with is either a role Sharukh Khan has portrayed or a oil commercial in Pakistan and both have the realism to an absolute zero. 

FYI, marriage ain't about the cupcakes and pre-bridal shenanigans, it's not about the bags or shoes, it's not even about the flowers he may suddenly arrive with one fine day - hell no. Marriage is about the compromises, the loyalty and the silent vow of everything-ness and maybe it's just me - but doesn't that freak you out just a wee bit? 

I am not backing out of anything. I don't do that. I face my "what if's" even if I don't want to because that's life, but all I want right now is something to float on, because I was never one to dive into water in the first place. But now that I am - a float and some goggles would be nice.