Rock Bottom | What if's at 2 AM

I wonder how many doors need to shut in one’s face for a happy ever after?

Well far too many doors for me.

It’s a complete loss of self-esteem and confidence when you’ve applied for over, well let’s say, ten jobs and haven’t received a single callback.  It’s honestly the worst thing to pop your balloon. I feel like the poop emoji right now. It feels like I was ten steps forward to only fall ten steps back.

It’s just become this situation in life where just one win would be really nice.

Ugh.

It’s so frustrating to not be able to do anything and to feel this helpless. It’s a terrible feeling.

The world is a huge place with infinite possibilities, so does it seem like such a lonely and hopeless place for me?

This is so much I want to do and see but it’s not happening. I feel stuck. Nay. I am stuck. And to tell you the truth, I’d rather be peeling onions then to be feeling like this.

The world is moving on without me and I feel like stopping it and telling it to slow down and maybe wait for me. I want to move with it not behind it.

When did I stop believing in the magic of the world and start believing the stark reality of rent bills and grocery lists? Isn’t there a pause button? I’d really like one please.

Let's Start Again Shall We?

Yes, I have been gone for a while but in my defence I was in a rut. Call it writer's block, depression or just plain laziness, I was hesitant to write cause, well, I didn't have much to write about. But after being away I've come to the realization that I don't have to have super, amazing, interesting or perfect content. I just need content and the rest follows.So I'm going to start by telling you guys what I've been up to.

In the past month:- I quit my job as a teacher in a school.-  Had no money and hated life.- Got a job as content writer but quit after a week.- Got another teaching gig .- Started my studies again.- Got a new laptop (queue happy dance here)- And realised I give up very quickly...

Buuuuuut then I read a quote (a Doctor Who quote but a quote nevertheless) and it all made sense.

"We're all just stories in the end, just make it a good one"

That's just it - we're all stories. We have different plots, different conflicts, different characters, different dialogues but most importantly, we're all the authors of our own story. And  I don't mean the in omniscient manner, but more in the sense that we have control over some things in life. I may have given up and I know that everyone does once in a while but I certainly hope it doesn't make me a bad person, in fact I feel as though I learnt a lot through the process of constantly giving up. I realized when I'm needed and when I'm being used, I realised that sometimes I don't need to like everyone and they don't have to like me and the toughest lesson that I learnt the hard way - sometimes you just have to let things go and see what happens...

So whatever happens in life, be it the good, the bad or the absolute horrible, just think of it as a new chapter in your story and how it'll change the rest of your story - you never know when the plot can change but that's up to you.

PS. I may have gone on a temporary "I hate my life" vacation but I'm back with a hypothetical suitcase filled to the brim with new ideas. 

Carpe Diem right?

The Greeks say kalos kai agathos - a singular balance of the good and the beautiful. The Greeks knew what they were talking about. A singular balance of the good and the beautiful - finding the perfect balance, be it spiritual and wordily or any other type of balance. The thing is ; we need balance in our life but then again , it's easier said then done. I can spend a whole day watching a season of a TV show and not do any philanthropy or spiritual task and BOOM! There goes that innate balance I was hoping to seek. So I found the next best thing. Something easier and well, more probable then finding "balance" in a world where you have to be amazing at everything. And by everything I mean, the clothes you wear, the way you talk, walk, sit, stand, eat, drink and all that jazz. It can get tiring and sometimes you'll feel like the world has swallowed you whole and you're drowning, looking for redemption of some sort, when you realize that it really doesn't matter what people think. This may take years, you may realize it on your death bed or the moment someone rolls their eyes at you - but the point is you realized one of life's most common yet misconceived truths - you can be the talk of the day just by doing or saying something out of the norm. 

So the thing that I found out, in my seventeen grueling years of life, that in order to find balance in life, you have to find your anchor ; the one thing (or many) that brings you back to who you are, your purpose, why you say what you say, how you say it, the way you walk and talk, eat and drink, find that one thing that brings you back to shore when your drowning in the madness of the world. 

an·chor
n. 
A source of security or stability.

Anchor's are usually used to hold a boat down and help it from floating away, similarly  the anchor of our life is a source of stability, it should help us from floating away when the tide gets rough. It should bring us back, be a source of reviving. 

 The anchor of my life, the thing that brings me back when I just can't go on, is my favorite TV show, song or book at that moment. Yes, as lame as that sounds and as worldly and materialistic as it defines me to be, those things are my anchor. The Doctor's helped me numerous times when I felt too small or unimportant, Stiles helped me when I felt like nobody understood my sarcasm,  Elizabeth Bennett helped me when I felt alien to the world. My anchor may be intangible and fictitious to outsiders but to me, it's my key to the alternative universe I created a long time ago. The universe in which I feel safe and happy. The universe that has been my anchor for so long but I only realized it when I wasn't busy trying to find a logical anchor that people would understand.

Find your anchor. Find the thing, person, day, memory that brings you back and hold on to it. People may laugh and point but that's the beauty of your anchor - it's your's. Because when you're all alone, in the night or walking to work, and all those thoughts come back to you, the ones you thought you had forgotten, the ones that haunt you and make you feel worthless, well they're nothing compared to the weight of your anchor and you'll swim back up to shore holding that heavy anchor - the anchor that isn't pulling you down but helping you swim back up to the sun rays. Truth is, either life can be sweet like an 80's movie or absolute crap, that's up to you. Be negative if you want to - you're allowed to have bad days, weeks, months or years, but when you realize how much potential you've got and how much magic is inside of you, hold your anchor to your heart, breathe in, and let life take you in. Carpe Diem right?

A Bad Case of Wanderlust...

Do you ever have a need to just get away from life? Start anew, find different people, and discover fresh things? I do. All. The. Time. I have a bad case of wanderlust and it’s gotten to the point that I now feel depressed and frustrated. I like change and didn’t know that until recently. And by change I mean a change of environment - I have OCD (yes for real) so I always stick to my daily schedule.

Nowadays everything has been getting to me. The people around, the place I live and the things happening around me. Trust me when I say a monotonous life is a gateway to suicide. I have had the same daily routine for a year now and its killing me from the inside but it doesn’t seem to affect anyone else.

The world holds a thousand secrets but only shares them with those who wonder and every corner of the world has a million secrets to uncover but only those brave enough to soar can discover those hidden temptations.

Spending money is novelty happiness – as in it won’t last long. I guess that’s why I don’t enjoy shopping anymore (boring am I not?) I want the kind of happiness that lasts forever and that comes through memories of good times with people you love, places you adore and things you love to do. Right now the only memories I seem to be collecting are those filled with animosity and regret. Somehow I feel calm and this warm feeling of excitement and hope spreads within me when I think about travelling to new places.

 I’m not talking about wanting to fall in love in Paris and all those clichés, no, I’m talking about that feeling you use to get when you were a kid – that feeling when you knew that something amazing was about to happen and your stomach would churn in excitement and the adrenalin of hope steers your emotions; that feeling that everyone seems to lose when the big grey cloud of reality pours over you’re sunshine.  

“If only’s” seem to swarm my mind nowadays. If only my parents never moved us here. If only I could take off. If only if only if only.

Honestly, do you ever just wonder what could be if we weren’t so scared of the consequences?